For about a decade since I left my parents’ home at the age of 21, I did not listen to music regularly. I don't know exactly what caused this change, because music had been such a comfort throughout at least my teenage and early adulthood. One big reason of course was I didn't have access to music when I moved. We didn’t have smartphones back then, and I didn’t have any way to listen to music.
This only changed substantially once Nilesh got me an iPod Nano. After that, especially after we moved to Bombay, I started listening to music on my commute. I started writing songs and rediscovered my connection to music. I discovered Adele late (I mean I had heard her but hadn’t really connected to the songs at first), but for a few years she was the artist I’d listen to over and over again, even though I couldn't relate to a lot of the lyrics. My favourite was Someone Like You. I played that over and over again over the years. What I couldn't relate to in songs like this was that feeling of bitterness, I think, because I'd never really felt that way about an ex.
And then a few years ago I discovered Sam Smith, I think on one of my many hotel room stays over some five years when I was frequently travelling for work. I saw the song on TV and was captivated, and then heard it several times more — again on hotel TVs, because we didn’t have one. I didn't much like the video, with this stereotypical, retro really, blonde hot glam housewife (god Dianna Argon is beautiful) who is being cheated on by her husband, and her anguish over it. I wanted to yell: get out tell him to fuck off. But the emotion in that voice! I’ve always liked that Hindi phrase — aawaz mein dard hai. What a beautiful way of expressing that singers with great technique can’t really move us unless they pour in emotion into the song.
And then I discovered, probably in a hotel room again, the song Stay With Me. And it made instant sense, especially the lines, “why am I so emotional, it's not a good look, learn some self control.” I also really loved “these nights never seem to go to plan, but I still need love cause I’m just a man.” That unexpected juxtaposition of masculinity and neediness and emotion was so refreshing, so compelling.
That hooked me on Sam Smith ever since. I like most of their songs and, unlike Adele who seems to be a basic problematic white person, especially now that she's lost weight, I like the little I know of Sam Smith’s politics, them coming out as non-binary, their representation and advocacy for queer people. The other night when I was talking to a friend about abusive exes, I sent a screenshot of this song — who hasn't felt like this in a toxic relationship?
I listened to these songs — Adele and — Sam Smith, over and over again in the last few years, especially when I was really depressed and stressed out (which was often) and these songs felt like my feelings outside of me, an external manifestation of what I was feeling and couldn't articulate.
But when I started therapy (again) my therapist pointed out that it was not the healthiest way to deal with my feelings, because they would intensify them. I did use them to wallow because I didn’t know know how to — and also was too depressed to — manage my feelings through healthier ways. In any case, I had lost the will for self care in the last couple of years, and when late last year I took a grip on myself the only self care I was interested in was physical. I used to go for long walks, both to work out my rage and also to make myself healthier for the long fight ahead. So I could go to protests without my body giving way. (I didn’t even want to feel better; it seemed wrong to feel okay when so much was wrong, like a betrayal of everyone who’d been hurt.) I also started looking for protest music, songs that challenged injustice, that could — not give me hope, but fuel my anger.
So in the last six months, I stopped listening to these songs all the time. And yeah it helped with my moods, and I have discovered a bit more varied music. I still return to these songs sometimes — have I said I love Sam Smith yet? — but I'm careful not to when I'm already feeling low.
So tell me: what songs, which artists do you really resonate with? What comforts you when you are low? Send me song names or links or playlists.